For the last two weeks I've been doing everything in my power to stay out of the hospital. My stress levels are sky high. I'm not happy with my therapist, psychiatrist and the overall care I've been getting. On Thursday of last week I went to my therapist appointment as was scheduled. I went to tell her that I don't want to see her anymore and that I want to go into a day treatment program. Things didn't go so well. I got really angry and I kinda yelled at her and she did her confusing talk that got me even more angry. I took my Mom with my because I knew things would be complicated and my case manager couldn't make it. I told her how she just doesn't understand my issues when it comes to wanting a sex change, and she argued that she did. I also talked about the fact that I need to talk about the things that are triggering my depression and other issues in my life, and she said that studies show that you need to work on your behavior and attitude rather than do that. She wanted to work on our issues for a few more weeks before I went into Partial. But at the end of the session she did agree to start the paperwork and talk to her supervisor about getting me into Partial.

Today I got a phone call...many days after I was expecting one. It was my therapist. She wants to meet with me at our scheduled time to discuss my goals for Partial. Basically she wants to work through my anger with her. Bitch. So I called her supervisor and explained that last week I was ended my "relationship" with my therapist and that she makes me very angry and stressed out. I cannot possibly go in on Thursday and work with her. My case manager Kim will be in touch with her too. There has got to be another way to get this paperwork pushed through without driving me completely insane.

The issue with my psychiatrist was that I was having a really bad day, overtired (where I could fall asleep at the wheel) and all I wanted were my scripts and to go home. Well he told me that hes not there just to prescribe my "candy". He was nasty, and I never liked him from the start. He should go back to India or wherever the fuck he's from. Just leave me the fuck along. For months now I've been to so many psychiatrists and therapists its not even funny. I just want some stability.

Current Location: my couch
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: RENT

The thoughts keep circling my head. I know that some of my friends are going through crappy times right now and my heart goes out to them. I will do whatever I can do to be a strength to them when I can't seem to find that strength for myself. Sleeping is a problem again. I stopped taking the Zyprexa because it was a dissolving pill that tasted disgusting and it also has a side effect of weight gain. Something I'm trying to avoid.

Today I am feeling extremely antisocial, but I pulled myself together and went into Partial late. I saw the Dr. and got some med changes so we'll see what that does. MED CHANGES AGAIN... I also participated in group and I even went over to see Wayne tonight. All I really want to do is sleep. Avoid life for a little while.

Maybe I am vulnerable.

I am still mad that Marcia canceled her medical transportation on Friday, then called me and I was sucker enough to say yes to give her a ride home. But she wanted to give me some money and weed for my troubles so I went over to her sisters house. Once I got there Marcia left to go to the mall again. She left me alone with her sister who I've met twice and a strange man who I had just met. She expected me to get high with them. I think I had two hits and was done. I didn't want to be high with strange people in a strange place where I did not feel completely comfortable. When Marcia got back the person she had gone to the mall with, wanted compensation (eh hem...sex) for the necklace he bought her. So he was pounding down the front door. We waited an half our before trying to venture out for a smoke, but he hadn't disappeared he slammed on his break as we ran into the house. He pounded on the door for awhile again. Marcia didn't seem to bothered by this she cracked open a beer and was fine. I finally got her ready to go because she has curfew. Monique was supposed to go in her car to the projects to pick up their other sister (can't spell her name) but Marcia, Saul and I went down there so Marcia could get a pair of jeans. Somehow I got roped into driving the other sister too...I dropped Saul off then had to drive back to Monique's to drop off the other sister, then we finally headed out to Millerton. I've been avoiding her. HELP.

Current Location: spare bedroom
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: "Message to Myself" Melissa Ethridge

Well its been a long time since that phone call with Audrey but I figure I'll get it all out so I can let it go. Audrey ended up calling me 10 minutes before I was supposed to call her. She started out saying "There are some things I need to tell you that you are not going to like hearing". Which I was kind of was bracing myself for anyways. I was told that Cassie has been and may still be shoplifting, lying, her grades are slipping, and she isn't interested in sports. All she does do is talk about me about when we are going to hang out and talk on the phone etc. So Audrey took her to a counselor who on the FIRST visit gave the advice for the Berry family to cut ties with my completely. Audrey also told me that they weren't accusing but Cassie had been using some foul language and being descriptive about how lesbians have sex. I told Audrey that she must have found it online because she sure as hell didn't get it from me. The Counselor also asked "What is a 24 year old doing with a 12 year old?" WTF...shes my sister. So anyways Audrey and I talked for a little longer and she told me I'd have to rely on someone else for support because she didn't have time anymore between her problems and Cassies. BULLSHIT, I know she talks to Tina. Anyways she said to me "I guess you expected more from me" and I replied "YES I did". I then decided it was time to end the conversation before I said something I would later regret. I have had contact with Audrey one time since then, and that was through a text to tell her to get Cassie to stop texting me. It was hard enough not being about to talk to them but for her to be texting me everyday was unbearable. My Mom however left a voicemail not that long ago, asking Audrey to send my belongings back to me, and she will pay postage like she always has. Apparently, according to Tina, Audrey had a fit when she got my Mom's voicemail. I personally don't understand why she is being so difficult about sending me back my belongings. I just want my stuff back so everything will be over and done with and I can move on. Just let me move on. You are almost a 40 year old woman, I don't know whether she is jealous of me because Cassie confided in me that she's gay. I don't know if its because the girls love me to death and tell her they hate her. None of this is my fault. I thought she was my best friend, stick with you through thick and thin, but when push comes to shove, I got thrown to the wolves. Karen is the problem, get rid of her and everything will be fine. And when or if she ever comes crawling back wanting my friendship, the only and I mean only reason I will associate with her is for the girls.

So I've been going to a Partial program since I got out of the hospital. I went into the hospital Friday after Thanksgiving. I was in the Hospital for a week and I've been in Partial for I think 3-4 weeks. I've made some cool friends there. I hang out with Stefanie, Marcia, Ron, Wayne and Chrissy the most. They've all been over my place. I actually threw a New Years Party last night and had 12 people here. Marcia came with her two sisters and their 3 little girls. Ron was here, Chrissy and her fiancee Steve. Stefanie and Alisha were here as well. The cats were in my bedroom because I knew we'd be going on the balcony alot because most of us are smokers. However I was a bit panicked because I didn't know the little girls were coming and my house is not kid proofed. They found my Playmobil in the computer room which was fine. They wanted to open my unopened Playmobil FDNY Fireman set but were well behaved and asked before they did. Thank god! One of them let Dakota out of my bedroom. It took me about 5 minutes to coax him out from under the bed from where they were taunting him. Alisha helped me keep everything calm. Alisha who I knew I could count on for anything. She's got my back. But everyone had a great time. I brought Boots out for the girls to pet and Boots was kinda like "Mom, what are you doing to me!!!" but everything was fine. By the time I drove everyone home and got to bed myself it was way past midnight.

Marcia is always worried about other people taking advantage of me, but I think shes the one taking advantage. She's always asking for things and never giving in return. Take me here. Take me there. Oh my sister will cook you dinner. Oh I'm bringing Bacardi. I'm gonna get you some bud. I'm going to give you some money. Yeah I hear all this talk and I never see any results. I got myself roped into driving her home tonight, and I don't want to be mad at her but I'm mad at myself too because I said yes. I need to take a "No" Seminar where I can say no to people. Its so hard. Alisha told me last night shes looking out for me because she knows "you'll do anything for anybody"...and I guess she's right. She wants me to pick her up and come over for the day tomorrow...honestly I just want a day for ME....JUST ME...

Current Location: Computer Room
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: "The Tide Is High" Atomic Kitten

I'm going to call Audrey at 9pm and hopefully get some answers...I'm crawling out of my skin...

Current Location: spare bedroom
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: "Just Dance" Lady Gaga

So late Thanksgiving night I sat alone on my couch. Sitting in the dark with a candle burning. Shaking and muttering to myself. All my thoughts mainly focused on one thing. I had a plan, the question was when was I going to carry it out. Luckily for me I had enough common sense to call my good friend Tina, who like me keeps odd hours. She was awake and talked me out of my plan and to go to the hospital. So I called my Mom at 12:40am and asked her for a favor. I needed a ride to the hospital. Then Tina stayed on the phone with me the whole time until my mom got here. I packed a bag (knowing the procedure) and we headed for St. Francis. They got me right in, I was upstairs on the unit within 3 hours. Thats a record. A knock awoke me on Friday morning, and I followed the herd to the dining room for breakfast. I then got to see what a diverse crowd populated the 4th Floor. I slept all thru Saturday and Sunday. They didn't get my medicatons right until Sunday. On Monday I found the only groups that happen were MICA and Occupational Therapy. MICA is for substance abuse users, and the occupational therapy was crafts. After crafts we had a slightly more intense group challenging our minds just a fraction. I did like the two individuals who ran the group though. So except for breakfast, lunch, 2 groups and dinner there was NOTHING TO DO. Apparently on the fifth floor, where there were no open beds, there are a ton of things to do and a lot more groups. I was recommended for the 5th floor but never made it up. Instead I got to deal with Ronald who doesn't shower and doesn't change his clothes, gropes himself constantly and is just disruptive, Alan who walks around aimlessly wearing the same outfit everyday, and he eats ketchup, mustard and mayonaise packets. Then there was Samantha who was an autistic girl who screamed like a cat, sang loudly, and had non ending questions and was in a room across the hall from me. My roommate, had lost her lover, she found him dead, she had previously been addicted to heroin and she was real spacey. There was Jason, who was a cool dude, wouldn't shut up, and I watched him have a seizure (scary shit). There were many others but those stand out most. Day in and day out, when I started feeling better I just wanted to get the fuck out. Ronald kept bothering my mom for money one time when she was visiting me. I had my mom tell my friends I was there but I didn't give out the number and I really didn't want visitors because I don't peoples pity, and I certainly know that none of my friends can handle coming to visit me on the looney floor, save one or two. So exactly a week later I get out of the hospital, I am now enrolled in a 6 week Partial program, from 9-3. Hopefully that will help with what I've been feeling. My best friend Audrey decided to wait until AFTER I got out of the Hospital to drop a bomb on me. I'm not allowed contact with the girls until further notice. Apparently Cassie has been telling lies, not just to me but to EVERYBODY, and she is too focused on me so they feel that the best way to get through to her is to take me out of the picture. I honestly don't know what to believe and I honestly can't believe my best friend did this to me when I'm trying to better myself. I'm hurt. And all too quickly the thoughts, problems everything from before is back.

Current Mood: crappy

It has come back to my attention again lately how ignorant people are. Most of our society are raising their children and teaching them values of hate and prejudice. Before it is even a thought, children are being called names, lesbian, dyke, gay, fag...or racial names. For my younger sister these names started over two years ago. She is twelve now. She is just coming into the realization that she is gay. What do I do with these feelings? Who can I turn to? Will Mom and Dad accept this? I just learned that from over the summer Cassie has lost most of her friends because I am gay. Her grandfather hates me and thinks I'm going to do bad things to the girls if I'm left alone with them too long. This is a town of hunting, football and softball. Today she had to sit in In Schoo Suspension because the name calling got so bad there was almost a fight. How is she supposed to get an education in conditions like this? I know I may be overreacting on some of this because I'm an overprotective sister. But I'm sick of being dragged down because people are ignorant, predjudice or stupid. I get looks everyday. I could change the way I look, but why should I conform to society? When we are lead to believe we can be whoever we want to be. I go into a girls bathroom and get dozens of disapproving looks. Cassie and I dealt with many of those going up and back from Maine. One time I had had it, and I screamed back at a couple ladies "We're Girls". Also how can a parent shun and banash a child they have reared from birth just because they are gay? Please explain that to me? Its the same precious child. Doesn't matter if you're adopted or not, you should always be accepted for who you are.

Bring me back to reality...

Current Music: "Cant Hold Us Down" Christina Aguilera + Lil Kim

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It's nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

[Chorus:]
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn't that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don't want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

[Chorus x2]

Even though I know
I don't want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I don't want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Current Mood: good

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a f**k if I cut my own breathing

This is my last resort

Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a f**k if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

'cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils

'cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me in fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying

I can't go on living this way

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a f**k if I cut my arm bleeding
Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

'cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying

I can't go on living this way
Can't go on
Living this way
Nothing's alright

-Papa Roach

Current Location: Poughkeepsie, NY
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: none

Waking up in a state of confusion
Blinking blindly into the darkness
I lay awake wondering how day has turned to night

Afraid of falling further into world to which nobody knows
The mind moving in many directions trying to follow the unknown
Blindly walking through a land of judgement and prejudice
Relying on someone else to guide me through the maze

Every day is like trial and error
2, 4, 6, 8 try for combinations
Mind weighed down by concentrations

Waiting for the changes to be over
Life is moving around me as I stand still
Leaving me lifeless and bare.

Thoughts still circle inside my head
Torturing me with silent threats...

Current Mood: tired